Fear - May 2009

So many people spread their fear to me as they warn me of traveling alone. I find this fear to be interesting as I continue to prepare for my new home in a 22 foot RV. I have chosen a Holiday Rambler – Augusta Sport. The RV is big enough to be a home while small enough to use as a car. Downsizing my home to this bit of space is overwhelming. Am I out of my mind? If I do nothing to change the flow of leaving the security of my job, of knowing there is a check magically placed in my checking account twice a month, of the bills being paid, and having food to eat, of knowing the flow of my day; if I do nothing I will go, a woman alone, counting to ten so the fear will go away. They, whoever these authorities of my life are, warn me of traveling alone without a man to protect me from those who would harm me. Yet in my house are three dogs racing to the door at the sound of a knock and running along the fence to frighten away anyone who ventures too near. There is also an alarm set more to protect me inside than belongings when I am gone. I peer around me as I walk to the garage whether it is day or night. At the gas station I pull up to the pump closest to the store so someone can see if I am being abducted by some stranger who means me no good and will harm me because I am living the everyday life of a woman. Look for light, never walk in shadows. Be aware, always aware around you and of sounds near you and your house. Sleep lightly; walk confidently; don’t let them know you are afraid in your daily life. If I am to be afraid, let me also live. As of today, May 1st 2009, I am no longer employed; retired at 56, free, and if I think I become afraid but not of what others warn me. I fear I will become homeless, picking through scraps in a dumpster to ease the gnawing emptiness in my stomach, and clinging my threadbare clothing tightly around me, ripping one hole larger. I force my mind to pictures of moose walking through a distant rich green field in Alaska and of the excitement of touching the sleek coldness of a glistening blue glacier. I think of cheering at the folk music festival in Vancouver BC and of my head back laughing with newly met friends. Perhaps I should have a small celebration for the milestone in my life but all I can think of is being on the road, music blaring and my face nothing but a smile.