The Five Stages of Grief

This weekend I took an amazing step in my healing. Recovery from a TBI requires me to go through the same five steps as grief. These steps are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and, finally, acceptance. There is no rule as to how long each step takes. For me the process to acceptance took several years. Denial and isolation is the first stage. My doctors claimed for years that there is nothing wrong with me. One neurologist suggested I was stressed, perhaps from money problems or I wanted attention. Another one told me to just forget about the head injury. With no medical excuse I continued to work and produce work for my doctorate. I reached a point where I could barely function. Most of my time was spent in bed re-watching repeats on television. I didn’t want to be around people or talk to anyone. I believed when I stopped working I could travel and attend music festivals. When I learned I wasn’t able to travel, only rest and rest some more, I moved into stage two, anger. My anger was crippling. I was angry at the job I left and many of the people there. I was very angry at doctors. They failed me. If one of them said to take three months off work I would have done so. I believe I wouldn’t be as bad as I am now. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I just stayed in bed watching DVDS over and over. Since I didn’t remember the shows, each time I watched they were new shows. During anger I easily snapped at people. My mood was dark. I think the third stage, bargaining, runs through all the stages. God If you just make me well I promise I’ll…. During this stage I asked why me, why did this have to happen to me? The fourth stage, depression was very difficult. I suffered from severe depression – major most of my life. An overwhelming symptom of a TBI is depression. I sunk to levels so low I didn’t believe I’d ever come out of them. Depression is like being underwater with no source of air. Depression from a TBI is like lying on the ocean floor with the weight of the water pressing down on your chest. For me my hope was the right mixture of medications and therapy. Some people with a TBI don’t want to take medications. I say give me any drug that will help me function. Now I am peacefully in the fifth and final stage, acceptance. This is me. These are my strengths. These are my challenges. My life is quiet and still and I am okay with it. As I will write about in following entries, I lived an interesting and full life. My final 20 or so years will be different but just as awesome.