May 2009

REALIZATION The realization has hit me that I have no income. I am afraid. Still I continue to pack the house, separating what I am keeping from what is to be sold and what is to be donated. This is an overwhelming process, downsizing from a four bedroom house to a 21 foot RV; compounded by my sizeable collections of teacups and pots, dolls, and figurines. Then there is the “stuff,” things that fit into no category. Having little to do here and few friends, my home was my project. Every corner and space was covered with color adding life and a small measure of pleasure. Just as with friendships this pleasure must be nursed and fed over and over, so I buy more and more “stuff.” Then, as a friendship or love affair may smother, so too does this obsession with collections. The obsession took over my life and I eventually lost interest yet it is still there so I continue. After packing for an hour or two, I lie in bed watching nothing in particular on TV. The TV numbs my feelings and covers my fear. My dogs, Princess and Charlie, curl up next to me, sleeping as if they had just finished a full day of work. Eddie never sleeps on the bed even though I’ve tried to get him to do so. He prefers to stretch out on the rug or curl up on his overused dog bed. Often, as I stumble in the dark into the bathroom at night, I step on him. He seems to like the coldness of the floor. Occasionally the three dogs make noises in their sleep as if they are troubled. I stroke them, wondering what they are dreaming. I wonder if packing the house worries them. Eddie has gone through other moves with me so is certain he is coming. Princess, however, was put in the pound at nearly eight years old. Perhaps she does not feel as secure. Charlie wouldn’t know of moving even though he has lived in three homes with three different families. So I stroke them through their nightmares that are perhaps about being left or put in the pound, the place that left them alone shaking in a cage. Why would someone risk everything, as I have done, to chase a dream? Yesterday a man at the dealership led me on a walkthrough of the RV. I pretended to understand what I was shown and told. While he talked I pictured where I would put things and reassessed how much I would be able to carry. I don’t understand why the interiors are done in earth tones and started to figure how I could cover everything with blue and other color accents to brighten the place. If I am to live in it there must be color. He is talking about how the shower and toilet work and I am thinking what an ugly shower curtain and how I can cut mine down to fit. I try to hide my yawn when he opens the hood and catch my laugh when shown the tire iron (or whatever it is called.) I catch some of what he is saying and I realize I know nothing about this machine I am buying. Unlike a car, I have to learn to use everything in the RV, not just where the gas is put. There are all kinds of buttons, hoses, fuses, and lines. He tells me about water hoses and faucets but not how and where to put the water. Am I supposed to know this already? Am I supposed to have a basic understanding of how this house on wheels works so he only has to show me where things are? Does he actually think I will understand the owner’s manual? Yet another fear enters my mind. Better to sleep on it. Maybe in the morning the fear will be gone. Tomorrow I will test the mini washer and dryer I purchased. For now I must sleep because I fear the washer and dryer won’t fit in the RV.