The Loss of Mom

My role in the family was decided early in my life. Should anything happen to my mother my eldest sister was to run the family. Should my sister be unable or unwilling to do so the responsibility fell to me. Knowing my position was comforting. Now I don’t know where my place is and my mind is floating. Two major events caused this change. The first was moving across the country at the young age of 26 and staying way for 35 years now. The second was the brain injury. Taking care of myself is problem enough. My family had a huge birthday party for our mother every five years. Everyone, all the children, in-laws, grandchildren and great grandchildren came home. The gathering was always beyond fun. For my mother’s 90th birthday I hesitated going home because my health was so fragile due to the brain injury. I wasn’t sure that I could stand the chaos with so many people. My therapist told me to go off by myself when I needed. I am so glad I went home. This was my mother’s last birthday. Two weeks later the terrifying call came. My mother was rushed to the emergency room and moved into intensive care. I made the trip home to see my mother for the last time. My sister, Mary, was helping our mother into bed. Mary asked me to help. My mother said I couldn’t do anything. That’s when I realized I no longer have the same role in the family. I have no idea what it is now. My Mother died a little over three months later; just four days after my 60th birthday. The lost of a mother cannot be explained. There are no words to explain the loss one feels. There is a year of firsts. The first Valentines Day, Mother’s Day, her birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas. I saw the perfect gift for her for Mother’s Day. I actually went in the store to buy the gift. Then I remembered she wasn’t here anymore. I keep wanting to call her to talk or to seek advice. I talk to her every day. I think of her every day. I mourn her loss every day. I miss her every day. There are no words to explain the loss of a mother.